... announced the signing of Gary "Turkey Machine" Stiltson to a five-year contract worth an estimated $30 million. But Stiltson, a retired bowler who never even played high school football, was a little confused by receiving a multi-million dollar contract in the mail.

"My father always told me, if you ever get a paper saying someone is going to pay you $30 million, you sign it immediately," said Stiltson. "I always thought that was something crazy he said because of his wild schizophrenia, but sure enough it turned out to be sage advice."

Reporters struggled for most of the day to figure out why the Rams inked Stiltson to a deal out of the blue. But "Turkey Machine," known by that moniker because of his penchant to get three strikes i...

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