... FANTASY FOOTBALL magazines and FANTASY FOOTBALL newspapers, FANTASY FOOTBALL websites and FANTASY FOOTBALL hula lessons, and FANTASY FOOTBALL hamster food and FANTASY FOOTBALL full-figured under-wire support.

(Okay, that's a joke. I obviously don't read newspapers.)

And because I'm addicted to fantasy football, I have to read all of it. I memorize names, the rankings, and the depth charts.

And sometimes, I nibble the pages.

And I do all this while my grass whithers in the hot sun and turns brown, because I cannot be bothered to water it or cut it or spray paint it green, like the crazy neighbor two doors down with the black-light posters for drapery and the lawn sculpture made out of Spam.

But today, I have decid...

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